Welcome to the stomach
You Might Also Like
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?