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all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I enjoy a good short stor
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.