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John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Jesus Christ lmao
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN