Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
You Might Also Like
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
this… may be the greatest story ever told
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”