Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

This woman is my idol. Free her.

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now