Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
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[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.