Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

$4 #usedbooks

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”