Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

guilty

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again