Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

accurate

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY