Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
🤣🤣
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”