Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.