Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Ummm
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?