Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.