Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
You Might Also Like
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Make me look younger
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar