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Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy