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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
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Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL