Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Mike is short for Micycle
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave