Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
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I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.