Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
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A double negative is a big no-no.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night