Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.