Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS