Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
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WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*