Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

For when Tinder doesn’t work

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.