Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
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also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked