Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

#Caturday

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.