Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

A drum solo but on your face.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Breaking news:

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.