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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
When I face a minor setback
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched