Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

Born to be mild.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.