Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

i wish i could marry a nap

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.