Welcome to Twitter, this is the most fun you can have on the toilet.
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I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.