Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

i think we should see other cousins

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)