Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
You Might Also Like
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Okay, I’m still confused…
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder