Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Jus’ sayin. 😐
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling