Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]