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I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
as is their right
