Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Meat Cute
BRO LMFAO
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich