Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”