@atanenhaus

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

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@michaelianblack

If we all just agree that we’re fine, we’ll never again have to ask each other how we are.

@JermHimselfish

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

@girlnarly

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@sad_jake

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

@jakehightower34

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

@wickedsuga

Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.

@Prero22

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

@blade_funner

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”