Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.


Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all


Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.


Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.


Walking out the door, my daughter tells me she can’t wait to see Ariel with the crabs.

Now I’m questioning which section I bought that DVD.


Frosted Mini Wheats. For when you’re craving hay with sugar on top.


The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.


I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”


[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’


Girls love when you hug them from behind and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Strangers, not so much.