Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks