Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime