Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
socratic questions
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
doing your own taxes
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school