Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.