Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
watching gymnastics
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
10/10 no notes
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
True freaking story!
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.