Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Sign of the day..
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.