Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
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Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
May never get over this
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.