Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
You Might Also Like
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
SPLOOT
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
murder on the timeline
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.