Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.