Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

I’m good, thanks.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.