Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
The old gods are rising again.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
greetings!
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*