Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
Lmbo
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.