Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.