Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

#catsoftwitter

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.