Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

[shakes fist at other fist]

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

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My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.