Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
i was dropped as an adult
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew