Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

THE DOG😭😭💀

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

What in the hipster hell is going on here

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean