Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
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My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
The first matador
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.