Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
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Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.