Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.