Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
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[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.