Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Friday night party time 🥳

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”