Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

What the hell is going on?

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom