Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
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Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
i love modern commerce
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”