Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
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ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Basically, any European coat of arms:
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.