Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
what kind of cook setting is this??
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
This makes total sense…
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive