Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.