Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?