Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.