Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
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As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?