Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse