Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Punctuation Matters. Period.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

See..?

.

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Worst perfume name ever.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.