Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
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*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.