Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”