Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

Travel bloggers during quarantine

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony