Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
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Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing