Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
