Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?