Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.