Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i- i did not expect this

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

my favorite genre of twitter

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.