Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

Always…

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

my lower back watching me try to live my life