Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
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My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG