Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Talk about a bad egg
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.