Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
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My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
reminder
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.