Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
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Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.