Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

set yourself free xox

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

good morning

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.