Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
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Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Employees must applaud the planets.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that