Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
You Might Also Like
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
There is no try. There is only give up.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.