Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels